I weep

Posted on December 7, 2016 at 7:45 PM


I weep…


The other day was challenging for me. I spent most of my morning trying to get motivated and moving. I was distracted, feeling down and gloomy. As a seeming reflection of my insides, the clouds were pouring rain outside.

A time or two I simply sat with the funk of my feelings. I needed to get to where I could at least NAME what I was feeling. When I could simply name and feel the sadness, I stayed with it, actually going into it. Tears came. I wept.

It didn’t last long, but it was enough to instigate further movement on my part.

I decided to go to the tobacco… I took the loose leaf tobacco and held it in my hands to say prayers in the First Nation’s way, as taught to me by a good friend and Native Elder. I prayed for guidance, for the healing medicine to come – in whatever way that looked like; I prayed for forgiveness; I prayed for guidance and grace…Aho.

Then I rolled & smoked it, sending my prayers out to the Universe knowing they were heard and I was seen by Spirit.

The continued movement for me came when the rains stopped. It was chilly out, and damp in the air, but I needed to run. Not only to clear my lungs from the smoke, but also to simply move. It had been way too long since a good run happened for me, so off I went.

My route isn’t huge, but it’s pretty great for me, with hills for an occasional challenge, and woods. I really. needed. the woods. They called to me so I answered.

After a good twenty minutes of trotting to get there…ahhh, I entered the woods to walk and listen into that space. When I had gotten about 70 yards into my patch of forest, I squatted down. I put a hand on a bare and exposed tree root, and wept.

Not the short-lived weeping from earlier in my apartment. But I wept. Sobbing. At first I didn’t know why, nor did I have to know. I simply went inward to the feeling, into the energy and emotion itself, and let the tears come.

A few moments go by while I weep. I feel the streams of tears mingle with the sweat, and its running down my face, chin, dripping into the red clay dirt.

Then I begin to feel more of what the tears are about. It’s a mixture of mourning sadness, grief, anxiety, stress build up, feeling stupid, and “why did I do that?” kind of angst. Most of it was mine… I claim my emotions and what I feel. Some of it is not mine, because as an empath, I notice more & more of a ‘collective’ kind of emotion these days.

I cried tears for the end of a relationship, loneliness, as well as tears for connection with others; tears of disappointment; tears for my finances and career stresses; tears for social events like Standing Rock; tears for my daughter growing up; tears for breaks and breaches within my family… its like the civil war, where brothers are on opposite sides of the fence shooting each other; I cried tears of helplessness and hopelessness; tears of fear and terror in not knowing what to do next.

I cried tears of actually feeling a Unity with God...a oneness... a loss of self... a death of self.

I cried until I felt empty of the sadness, and the internal labeling stopped. When there was a moment of space & quiet, I asked out loud “What else?”

More tears came with no labels…they just came, and I wept… Like wringing out the last bit of moisture from a soaking wet rag.

After that last bit, a dog came. She sat by me, smiled a dog’s smile, closed her eyes as I pet her. She was letting me know I was ok. Life is happening, all is ok. I thanked her generously with rubs, petting, kisses on the head, and a little hug.

With no fanfare, she caught up with her human, who was gracious enough to say nothing and let me be in the moment. With no fanfare, I took a few deeper breaths of relief, feeling clarity, feeling at peace with the sadness, yet so much more spaciousness inside instead of contraction. The medicine worked. The prayers were answered. Spirit came to love & assure me, as a dog with more grace and forgiveness than I could bring for myself. Ever.

I moved onward in the rest of my run home.

Why do I feel? Why do I weep?

Because I hurt. Because I care; I give a damn unapologetically; and Because this is how much I Love.

I weep.

Thanks for listening.

aka the Jaguar


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